Noctoscatophobia

• 04 October 2008 at 18:46
• Diary

Yesterday evening, I accomplished something extraordinary.

I had an ineluctable need to go to the toilets. I pushed the door, I turned up the light... And I realised with astonishment that the bulb was not working anymore. I had to face a cruel dilemna: either I decided to empty my bowels or to do nothing at all. This second option was not even conceivable. I had to fight my fear and relieve my needs at any cost.

I couldn't prevent myself from thinking again of this trauma of my childhood... When I was very young, I had seen the movie Arachnophobia. In a scene, a character is attacked by a spider hidden under the toilet seat. This scene shocked me deeply.

I should not think about that. Everything was to be alright, I repeated myself.

The outer light let me see a little bit inside the toilets.

I courageously opened my zippers, bravely lowered my trousers and piously laid my behind.

Several minutes passed by, during which I thought about a lot of things. I thought that, everyday, we face new obstacles in life, and we had to be strong to overcome them. It was the only thing that could keep me in this place. Being strong... to be able to move on, to be able to live better, to be able to change things. Maybe this doesn't mean anything to many, but to me, it was a huge progress, a revenge on life.

When I had finished, I was overwhelmed with emotion. At last. I had won over my fear of toilets in the dark.

I honorably got up, gloriously zipped my trousers and triumphantly washed my hands. I knew I would always remember this episode, the little fresh air going through the room and the colour of the toilet paper.

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