Story of an obsession #7/7
Positive balance

• 27 July 2008 at 02:51
• Love, sex, etc.

It's funny how people can hurt each other.

The thing is, to move on, you need to want to. Indeed, why would I have wanted to move on? Only thinking about him, seeing his face again, imagining myself with him again, dreaming the day he would come back, was enough to please me. But as frustration grew stronger and every pleasure was nothing but a chimera, reason was taking over and pushing me to move on.

This is the end of this obsession. I think about it less and less everyday. I still have some reflexes pushing me to check a few things, but I don't have the passion going along it anymore, this adrenalin rush that was taking me every time something about him was coming up, like a slow anesthesia.

However, I'm not over him yet.

I realised when I came back from the hospital that , even though I sleep without pillow, I used to keep one on the left-hand side of my bed. It was, indeed, the side where he used to sleep, and I was leaving this pillow here, just in case he came back. I'm so fucking stupid! Likewise, I had saved all of his text messages. I erased them all since then, by accident. I still dream about him from time to time, but even in my dreams now, he doesn't want to be with me.

To find some motivation, I repeatedly play the song Overpowered by Roisin Murphy. In this song, she talks about the feeling of liberation she has by getting over her ex, especially since it was long overdue, but she also wonders about the attraction she felt for this guy and wonders if it wasn't just chemical. At least, that's how I interpret it!

Some tell me: "Anyway, you were different!". Thank God! I don't expect my man to be a blueprint of myself! Some people, even very different, can, I think, live a beautiful story together, just like... er... Carla Bruni who calls herself left-wing but who shags Nicolas Sarkozy, man of the hard right and President of the Republic! Or even... Pocahontas and Captain Smith!

Writing this story is not modest at all from me, but I have the feeling it enables me to say I've thought about it through and that it is part of the past.

In the end, I think I've been lucky. Even if this story will have been very pathetic, I still have lived emotions that took me over and made me feel an irresistible wave to go to the other... Etc. Otherwise, I have learnt something. Even if I didn't fall in love with him, I now know that I can feel love. Apart from him, I had only one significant relationship, 6 years ago, it was very different, and even that time, I didn't feel what I felt with him. Looking forward to the next one!

• Permalink Story of an obsession #7/7
  Positive balance