Story of an obsession #6/7
Accident and resignation

• 26 July 2008 at 01:29
• Love, sex, etc., Story of an obsession

Life plays real games on you sometimes.

The day I was AT LAST accepting and deciding to move on (and being on a diet and going to the gym as well!) I had an internal bleeding and I have been taken to the A&E.

I received the phone calls and the visits from several people that day, it was good. But to be honest, all I had in mind as this time was the phone call I had to give him. The accident had changed my mind. As soon as I could, I sent him a message to let him know about the situation. And he called back straight away! I was so glad he called me so suddenly, it meant that cared about me. At least a bit!

After beating around the bush on the phone for half-an-hour, I just talked frankly. First I apologised for using my intensive care patient status (hey, that hemorrhage had to be useful in some way, for fuck's sake!), and then I told him I wanted to see him.

Saying these words was liberating. I didn't wonder anymore whether I was annoying him or not, whether I was pathetic or not, whether it would work or not, I was just honest, clear and open. (Without dramatising, I think it was the first time I actually opened myself to another man this way.) But this is only after that I realised I was asking for something impossible. There was a few heavy seconds of silence and he explained to me it was not possible. I then immediately closed myself back, I withdrew on my reflexes, I thought I shouldn't annoy him more than I already had and I simulated indifference.

At the hospital, all night long, I couldn't stop thinking of him. Anyway, with all these fucking needles and electrodes, it was impossible to sleep! I didn't have a choice anymore. I had to resign and to submit to what imposed itself to me. I had to stop any contact with him because only seeing his name on a webpage was driving me crawy, and there was no reason to hope anymore.

I knew it would be his voicemail. I must have had annoyed him so much, he preferred not to answer! It was better for me. I ordered myself to be concise and honest. First, I wished him good luck. Then I told him I wanted to stop contact with him because I couldn't stop thinking of him even though I had to move on.

Ah... There is a thousand things I would have liked to say. But there was no point. So all I couldn't tell him, I'm saying it here.

I stuttered a bit, I got confused a bit as well, I wanted to be fast in order to avoid annoying him but I was only getting more confused. When I ended the call, I felt very stupid, but most of all, very frustrated. He sent me a text message a few minutes later to tell me he understood. I found it nice from him. I looked so good, on my hospital bed, among old people, ending a relationship that had only existed on my side.

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  Accident and resignation