Cheap self-therapy
Session 2: the top dog

• 20 May 2008 at 06:00
• Diary, Love, sex, etc.

The booklet stated that many individuals were hurting themselves by replaying in their minds "the tape of messages that are critical, bullying or just plain nasty". They call it "the top dog".

AND I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT!

I have a top dog too but... I personified it! Sometimes, when things don't turn the way I like, I don't only think to myself that I'm dumb. I actually imagine another character coming and telling me all these hurtful things. When I was a kid, my top dog was a member of my family. Now, probably because I'm a grown up now, my top dog... is me! Another me. A better me. He's handsome, he's strong, he's got charisma, he's confident, he's charming, he's classy, he's everything! Each time something goes wrong, he appears and tells me how fucking stupid I am. However, he never does it in a nasty way, he always looks at me in a mocking, condescending but knowing manner. To be honest, I would like to be just like my top dog. After all, it's still me.

But my top dog doesn't only bring me down, he can also understand me and help sometimes. If something is not clear, he can help me thinking and viewing things from another point of view. It's still me, but it's another me.

I thought I was the only one with that kind of trip, but according to this leafltet, it happens to many people :)

Last year, when I was getting more tested for HIV than I actually was meeting guys, my top dog was mutating. He was becoming someone else, some kind of divine entity without a face. He was huge, over-muscled, covered with a golden armour. He would run after me, catch me and then he would strangle me. Lately, my top dog has been very sympathetic, very reassuring as well and he doesn't come often to see me. I guess it's a good sign.

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  Session 2: the top dog