Cheap self-therapy
Session 1: Dealing with rejection

• 19 May 2008 at 06:17
• Diary, Music, cinema, TV, books...

I didn't understand why the others hated me so much. I didn't commit any crime or was despicable to anyone, and I had a huge feeling of unfairness. "Faggot", "queer", to me, the playground of the secondary school was the same as the previous ones, but worse. I was inventing stories in which I would avenge myself whereas, in real life, I was trying to ignore the insults, the mockeries and the humiliations. Then, I thought I would live on my own and I didn't even want to have friends or a lover or anything that would imply another human being. I was imagining I would become the supreme master of the universe whose favourite hobby would be to make the people who humiliated him at secondary school suffer.

Once you've grown up, things are different. You learn how to make up your voice and your moves to look more common when necessary, you meet people with whom you can be who you are, and then you accept yourself just the way you are.

Except that the pattern is repeating. In love, things are so much more complicated than in secondary school! When a guy doesn't want me for a night or for a lifetime, I wonder whether I'm still the freak of the school and if I'm worthy of love.

Lately, this has changed. First, I "met" several guys and it did good to my self-esteem. Then, I understood something stupid but not obvious to someone who is kind of trapped in the teenage state on that issue: when a guy rejects me, it doesn't mean I'm not worthy of love, it just means he and I don't fit. And I have people around me who love me: if someone as extraordinary as Ada likes me, it necessarily means I'm worthy of love.

• Permalink Cheap self-therapy
  Session 1: Dealing with rejection