I'm currently living at Emilie's, temporarily. She's off to the south of France right now, so I have the room for myself only. I can spend time alone again and it feels ABSOLUTELY GREAT.
Spending a few tens of minutes at the window, with one hand hanging in the emptiness, thinking about things that are more or less important but that do so much good. Is it because it helps me tidying my mind, escaping in sweet dreams or knowing better what I want for my future, I don't know, but it feels good.
Yesterday, I lay down, I believed once again I was about to die, but this time, I thought to myself "take the risk to try" and I started to fly!
It's crazy all the things that can happen to you when you go to sleep.
Yesterday, I had a HIV test.
I had been shitting myself for weeks, even months. So much that I was making up some stupid superstitions such as "if I finish this piece of code before that time, I'll be safe". I wondered whether it was some kind of belief, of religion, that was developing in me to fill the uncertainty about my HIV status. I didn't listen to others as I was focused on my problem, so much I was completely out there and was consuming alcohol when I couldn't think about anything else.
I went to the hospital where I had an appointment and I waited in the quite crowded waiting room. A bloke came quite fast, laid back, smiling, gay, who welcomed me in a small room where we discussed about my uncertainties, my state of mind before the test ("How do you feel? Are you anxious, laid b...", "I'm shit scared."), which we don't do in French hospitals. He also told me about how the test was run and about after the test.
I then waited in another room, a nurse came to take me, took some blood out my finger and sent me back to the waiting room, telling me they'd have the results in 15 minutes. Yeah, 15 minutes! It may seem short but it's actually really long!
15 minutes later, a third person came and revealed to me that the test was negative. I felt better but oddly enough, this revelation didn't have any effect on me straight away. Maybe had I prepared myself to manage his feelings in case of. I discussed with her about HIV contamination and possibilities of tests for gonorrhea or syphilis.
Then I went out, called Ada, sent a text message to Emilie and my mother and I was glad. I raised my eyes and the sky looked extraordinary to me. It always has been but it looked suddenly better than ever. So I took that picture. Like "Juju's resurrection". I thought it would be good for my blog's 200th post.
I'm no intellectual I'm no stupid
I'm not rich I'm not poor
I'm not handsome I'm not ugly
I'm not right-wing I'm not left-wing
I'm not a woman But I don't fancy them
I'm no fatalist But I don't believe in chance
Truth is leaning
Image credits: Unknown
Have you ever had this strange feeling? This wish of gathering all your favourite songs, your favourite movies, your best emotions, in a single thing and being able to keep this emotional force inside yourself forever? Some kind of "positive nostalgia"... The feeling that there's so much beauty in the world that you won't be able to see it all, and most of all, won't be able to keep it...
One of the songs able to cause this feeling in me is Royksopp's "40 Years Back\Come", at least the first part. In the beginning, you can hear these strange sounds, like those of a port at night then the music starts and raises little by little to end on tones like abstract tones who... reach the sky. And it stops like that, but you know the tones will stay upthere forever.
I've done the pictures for Degel's Board of 10 Directors, which I was part of in Paris. I got inspired from the Tarot arcana. But actually, I've done 12. And I represented myself in the Joker.
The Joker, that doesn't exist in the Tarot by the way, is apart from the other cards. It's powerful because it can beat all the other cards, as if it adapted to the enemy. But alone, this card loses all its value. Actually, the Joker doesn't have an own will. There is also a lot of other symbols used in this card.
8, lonely.The Hermit.
"I wish I was left alone."
10, ready to sacrify himself.The Martyr.
"If the world can get better,
I wish I could take everybody's pain on me."
12, world-hater.The Tyran.
"I wish I could destroy mankind."
14, trying to gain sympathy.The Saviour.
"I wish I protect the world."
22, idealist.The Joker.
"I wish to reunite all the feelings and all the memories in me, forever."
(00:00) Four 0
(00:01) One 1
(00:22) Two 2
(01:01) 01 = 01, as well as 01 is 01 power 2, 3, 4...
(01:02) 02 = 01 x 2
(01:12) Fibonacci
(01:23) Oh, a series : 0, 1, 2, 3
(01:49) The first values of the square function
(02:04) Double function and square function !
(02:46) The first values of the double function
(11:11) Four 1
(11:24) Each number is the sum of those before
(12:34) A new series !
(12:48) 2 is the double of 1, 4 is the double of 2, 8 is the double of 4
(22:22) Four 2, or two 22
(23:45) A last series
(23:46) A last double
(23:47) An interlude
(23:48) 4 is 2 power 2 and 8, 2 power 3
(23:49) 4 is 2 power 2 and 9, is 3 power 2
(00:00) Midnight, and nothing is happening...
It's saturday morning, I'm alone in my flat, windows wide open. It's sunny, there's little wind coming in, light... I feel good.
I feel like listening to music. But... choosing a song by that weather is too hard ! There are so many good songs, so many songs that would render this moment even better, I can't choose one more than the others !
In American Beauty, there's a splendid moment when one of the main characters say : "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
I love Alan Ball ! He's American Beauty's writer, but also Six Feet Under's creator, and, moreover, he's gay !!!
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