Category "Revelations"
Careful, this is gonna be delirium power 10.
Science seeks to explain phenomenons that surround us and, if possible, to predict events. The Grail of science would be a unique law from which all the other laws could be defined. I fantasised a lot on the possibilities of such a discovery. If we could find a law capable of explaining everything, then we could also predict everything, and even control everything! I then imagined, by getting inspiration, consciously or not, from numerous fictions, that there would be a machine in the future that would be powerful enough to modelise and compute the entire universe, but also its past and similarly, its future. This machine, this hyper-computer would be called Big Loop, and this idea that everything can be calculated is called determinism.
In the world of Big Loop, everything would be possible. We would have solved the biggest mysteries, met creatures living in other galaxies, found the remedy to all diseases, discovered the secrets of immortality. People wouldn't work anymore because machines would do everything. Without even realising, I had created for myself an entity that was omniscient, omnipotent and benevolent, that is... God! And it would also manage to resurrect us all in this future that would be the equivalent of paradise, where there would not be misery anymore, work anymore, duty anymore, only pleasure. (I won't go any further into the description of this future, it would take me too long!) I thought I had escaped death.
My goal was then to write a book that would describe this artificial paradise and how it could be reached, including a low-level reflexion on happiness, the "meaning of life", and stuff. At least, I would have done something with my life, I would have indicated a way to escape the infernal circle of death and misery.
But when you're an atheist and you choose science as a reference, given that research makes progress continuously, you have to expect surprises. I read Stephen Hawking's book in which he explains quantum mechanics. The principle of uncertainty who is introduced in it and who is largely accepted in the scientific community, pulverised my theory. If there's uncertainty, there's impredictability of the world, and then, impossibility to create a machine like Big Loop. And just like that, quantum physics ended my dreams of eternal fullness, and was forcing me to reconsider everything. This time, I have to keep in mind this important idea: I will die and my life is happening NOW!
- Why go to work every morning?
To earn money. - Why earn money?
To afford to pay a rent, to eat, to dress... - Why pay a rent, to eat, to dress?
To live! - Why live?
Er... well... because life is worth living.
I love life. Laughing with friends, doing shit on Facebook at work, eating nutella, getting into existential conversations with Ada... Yes, sometimes it's not easy, but honestly, I think I am very happy when I compare with all the misery in the world.
When I discovered I was gay, I thought: "Shit, no marriage, no children". Indeed, it would probably be simpler if I wanted marriage and children, I would think I live to perpetuate the human species and pass my values onto my children, etc. But I quickly realised that it was only my mother's obsession and that I, I finally didn't want this. I got into wondering about the meaning of life, bla bla bla, and I quickly approved of hedonism.
I don't know if it's that I have become an adult, but hedonism is not enough for me anymore. Pleasure is necessary but it's very ephemeral, nearly absurd. And I'm also a bad hedonist. I like partying, but I often prefer staying at home doing nothing. (The real hedonists are the junkies who live for the pleasure that some subtances give them, but nobody wants this kind of absurd life in which life is in the end controlled by those substances and sums up to that.) Somehow, I must probably look for something else, I don't know, an explanation or, a reason. Yeah, a raison d'être.
Let's talk about sex!
Yeah, I know: this is a first time on this blog!
Until lately, in sex, I tended more to a side than another. No, what I mean, is that I'm gay but that sexually, I preferred one thing to the other. Okay, let's stop beating around the bush: until recently, I was a big passive faggot. But loads of things happened... and I understood many things. By the way, I had a Scientific A-level, with Mathematics as my specificity.
Principle I. The natural tendancy
Everyone, especially gay men, especially, then, me (yes, this is when you have to laugh), has a sexual tendancy that I call "natural". The spontaneous encline to lean on one side rather than the other. The thing I realised is that this tendancy is not immobile. And it depends a lot on self esteem. I noticed that the more I esteemed myself, the more I tended to versatility, that is, when activity and passivity meet. Thus, if the variable Tn represents the natural tendancy, and Es, the self esteem, one can admit approximately that:
When Tn is negative, the individual is passive, when Tn is positive, the individual is active and when Tn is equal or close to zero, then the individual is versatile. I read, I don't remember where, that most gay men end up being versatile.
Principle II. The relative tendancy
Now, the big piece of news is that the tendancy is not absolute. Indeed, according to the partner, one individual can lean to a side opposite to his natural tendancy. And this can be defined by the esteem one has for the other, and by the difference between one's self esteem and the esteem one has for the other. The more one esteems another, the more one wants them inside. If Tr is the relative tendancy, Es the self esteem and Ea, the esteem for another, then it gives something like:
Principle III. The law of attraction
And all of this results in the law of attraction. Attraction is, in this theory, the whole of forces and their effects that enable a body to be attracted by another. From my very small experience, I understood that the attraction to someone else, here represented by A, could be defined by something close to that:
It's the relative tendancy reversed. The particularity of the reverse function is that it's got a singularity. Singularity is a concept that can be found in several mathematical and physical theories, like the Big Bang for example. Indeed, if the relative tendancy is equal to zero, which implies that the difference between self esteem and the other is null, then attraction is infinite.
I had to question myself on numerous levels lately. It seems that one can never be sure of anything. I consider all this to be a positive thing. This is how I progress.
But to go forward, I have to know what I want. I keep discovering things and broadening my universe. I will take time to find the answer. I do not expect it to come to me.
I am deeply convinced that it will eventually make sense. For the simple reason that I have to give it sense. I have an intuition taking me to some direction. I will have to make several choices.
When all the conditions are met, I will do it. And then will come the time I will start to live for real. With the fire in my heart and this divine determination. I will rise.
People say I'm not a romantic...
This morning, I'm about to take my train when I come by this guy. In his thirties, pretty hot, un regard de braise (burning eyes, litterally). He looks at me and I look at him. The message has been transmitted. But I have to run to get my train, I'm late. Fortunately, I miss it and I must go to the other platform where the guy went. I stand close to him, we are kind of seeking each other. We get onto the train, face to face, we look at each other, we smile at each other. This game keeps going for two stops and he must get off. He looks at me meaning something like "what a shame".
"What a shame". I hate that idea, "what a shame". Like "we could have but no we can't". Of course yes we can!
I get off the train. I'm already late anyway. I chat him up and asks him for his number. He gives me his number, his name, asks me how I am and then he kisses me on the mouth. Just like that. Naturally, without wondering any question, right in the middle of the Tube platform.
How long had it been since I last kissed a man in a public space? Whether you like it or not, kissing in a public space is still a way to exist, to affirm their identities, to think: "Yes, I like men and I don't give a fuck about what you think". It's still an act of strength, of courage, nearly of militantism. I still have the feeling I am transgressing something when I kiss a man in public, even in London. It makes the act so special, so much stronger than with straight people, so much more romantic actually.
I don't have any illusion. The guy and I are probably not gonna be more than a few parties de plaisir (pleasure parties). But I have a very positive feeling.
I told it to some of my housemates, Andy and Luke, two straight guys, they were gutted that I could pull someone in the Tube so easily: "If I ever did that to a girl, she would call me a weirdo!" I was very proud. Once again, I find positive sides in being gay.
I meet up with the guy on Thursday evening. He answered my text message by saying he looked forward to it.
PS: don't you think this post lacks of pictures?
PPS: I wasn't even shaved! For FOUR DAYS!
A Brief History of Time is a book written by famous scientist Stephen Hawking. The cover indicates that the book enables the reader to understand easily how the universe started and how it works, according to modern physics. But of course, it's very complicated! It took me more than a month to read it and my brain is a mess. Nevertheless, it's an absolutely passionating book.
Stephen Hawking explains the laws ruling the universe such as general relativity or quantum physics, galaxies, black holes, the big bang, and so on. Each page reveals a new concept that revolutionise your conception of the univers and, in the end, of life itself. By the way, I realised how ignorant I am of physics (even though I had a pretty good mark at my baccalauréat if I remember well... but Hawking explains this is normal, it takes tens of years before some concepts make it to school).
I had heard about the theory of general relativity but I didn't really know what it was about. Roughly speaking, what I remember from the book is that according to general relativity, space and time are not absolute. Thus, the time passing on Earth is different from the time passing in a black hole (it could even be that time stops in a black hole). This is crazy!
Similarly, the principles of quatum physics nearly get me into an identity crisis! Indeed, I was a complete determinist (not a genetic determinist though!) and so far, I imagined that everything could be explained by equations, theorems and stuff. But now, quantum physics introduce the principle of uncertainty. That is, randomness exists and must be taken into account. There even is a constant for randomness!
Hawking explains many other concepts, but he doesn't only do that. A very interesting part of the book is about a questioning of science itself: what is the goal of science, what is its legitimacy when what we believe today can be questioned the day after, is the complete explanation of the universe only a chimera? Another very interesting part is the position of science regarding God. Hawking warns that according to the next science discoveries, we could prove that God doesn't exist. Indeed, a hypothesis on the nature of the universe suggests that there could have been no beginning and there would be no ending of the universe, dismissing the idea of a creation and thus, of a creator. Otherwise, he also makes geeky jokes.
Now the problem is that the book is 20 year-old. And Hawking explains that science evolves so fast that what I learnt from it is probably already obsolete!
Chimera:- Mythological creature with the head of a lion, the body of a goat and the tail of a snake.
- Organism composed of two different genotypes (sometimes more).
- A dream that is impossible to fulfill
I had to wait for two hours in the waiting room before my second gastroscopy. On my chair, I was so tired and dizzy because of the medication that I got into a dream.
I was high in the sky, in what was some kind of giant sphere. There was a lot of air, the light was warm and sifted, it felt very good. Inside this mechanical structure, there was a big red sheet floating in the whole space. I was floating inside too. The sheet was getting deeper in its centre, and there, there was someone.
This person, it was him... and it was me! This person, it was him and me at the same time.
He was indicating me to come to him. I was letting myself slide in the middle of the winds and the heat...
And the fucking nurses came to put a canular into my arm.
I spent very good moments the last few days. Finishing my studies is helping. But there are other things. I went to a rave party with Ada, I have been tested negative for HIV, I spent a lovely weekend with my flatmates and my friends, I go out more... Roughly speaking, I broaden my perspectives, my horizon, and that's great because I'm in an important period, I'm defining what I'm gonna do after London and then, later in general. What do I want to become, what do I want to achieve, just what do I want to do! This is then again a rebirth!
I was looking at the news on my Netvibes the other day: Sarko at the UN doing a speech about a "new world order". On Yahoo!, the resistance of buddhist monks in Burma. On Youtube, the latest interviews of Hillary Clinton...
The world is moving and I know everything that is happening. Is it the XXIst century? The globalisation?
Oh, that's funny, in the Tarot of Marseilles, the XXIst and last arcana happens to be the World. It's a very positive card meaning opening to the world, fulfillment, harmony...
Yes, I know, it doesn't mean anything but it'd be great if we could make so that it should happen!
PS: I've spent so much time to go live with this article that it can be concluded that globalisation, harmony, will take time but is worth it. (I must be hangover to say such bullshit.)
I'm currently living at Emilie's, temporarily. She's off to the south of France right now, so I have the room for myself only. I can spend time alone again and it feels ABSOLUTELY GREAT.
Spending a few tens of minutes at the window, with one hand hanging in the emptiness, thinking about things that are more or less important but that do so much good. Is it because it helps me tidying my mind, escaping in sweet dreams or knowing better what I want for my future, I don't know, but it feels good.
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