Category "One-night stands that go wrong"
About ten days ago, I was in Paris. I stayed at Marion's who took me to one of her gay friends' housewarming party. I had lots of wine, I chatted with a lot of guys, I had loads of fun... And then, people started to leave. I thought it was a shame not to find anyone although I was surrounded with such charming guys of my age. One of them came to say goodbye, and I replied I should kiss him before he goes, just for fun. I thought he would leave anyway.
We kissed and then he said goodbye to the other people, I danced devilishly again with Marion, like nothing happened.
And then he came back to tell me he changed his mind. And I thought:
Merde!
So we started to get to know each other and well, he was nice and then he flashed his hairy torso and then he gave ma a vodka and then I felt very sick and then he took care of me and then this is pretty much where he got to take me to his place. Unfortunately, we were not on the same wavelength, sexually speaking. The morning after, I invented an excuse to escape asap, he asked for my number, I got on the bus and I received a message I'd rather never reply to...
To get rid of a guy, you sometimes need some comedian skills. Or tragedian skills.
After the Metronomy gig, Romain and I joined his friends in Soho. I was already a bit drunk. Romain offered champagne. That's a nice guy. One of Romain's friends had free entries for Heaven so we all went there. (NB: I love hanging out with Romain!)
One of his friends kept hitting on me, but I wasn't interested so I "dodged" everytime. And then I was so drunk I suddenly (!!!) found him attractive and took him home. But once in my room, the magic got... hangover. Shit.
First, I retreated. I ran underneath the covers while wishing him good night. Of course, he started teasing me under the bedsheets. After 10 minutes, I told him I was too drunk to do anything. But 5 minutes later, he returned to the attack! I was running short of ideas for an efficient defense. So I just played dead until he stopped and I could finally sleep.
The morning after, he resumed the attack. Nearly panicking, I jumped out of the bed to get out of the room. This time, I didn't have an excuse and I had to find a strategy to get rid of him! I thought of my ultimate weapon, the Return of the Ex of Doom, and adapted it for the situation. this time, I was about to use my tragedian skills.
I entered the room, looking upset, and started tidying the mess. He was very surprised and asked "Are you alright?". I spoke with a little voice and looking at the floor, I said: "Yeah yeah, I just thought of... someone." He told me to go back to bed, I answered: "No, I'm fine." He watched me piling up my dirty laundry in the corner and asked me if I wanted him to go, I replied: "Er... up to you."
Then he asked what was wrong. I took a very disturbed tone and said: "Oh, I don't like talking about it..." I thought of what I had just said and nearly burst laughing!! I turned my head, like I was about to cry but really I was holding my laugh!! The guy felt stupid, even apologised if he had "said something wrong" and finally left.
HA HA HA!!!
I'm pure genius!
Several weeks after the dreadful pleasure, I saw Darren again, my best fuck buddy. Sexually, we're in perfect harmony. Shame that he's older than me (less than the double of my age, don't worry!) We saw each other quite a lot at some point but we stopped because he had feelings for me. However, he invited me to havet a drink with his friends that night at the bar where he works and lives, and when they closed, he suggested me to wait for him in his room. I was drunk, I took a little shower and I fell asleep on his bed, on my stomach. I was completely gone, completely elsewhere.
When Darren arrived, he jumped on him. I woke up with the conviction that it was the object of my obsession! For a few seconds, I was shocked, with a sentence in my head that was repeating like an alarm sound: "He came back!". And then I managed to turn around and... disappointment. It brought me down for the whole night. Worse, I realised my desires had evolved and that we were not on the same wavelength anymore.
The day after, I behaved, as usual, in a inhumanely cold honesty and I told Darren I was thinking a lot of someone else and that at the moment I realised it was him, I had been disappointed. Once again, I proved myself I'm really incapable of lying and really capable of a ruthless selfishness.
I am interrupting my narration for two appendices. Three days after feeling the dreadful pleasure and the day after a partie de plaisir with a fuck buddy, I went to a club. I was completely drunk and I hit on a few guys. At the end of the night, I saw this big Australian guy again, and I didn't waste too much time with words, I grabbed him by the collar and I kissed him. We went to my place. I was proud :)
We arrived home very tired. We started getting a bit of action and then we fell asleep. The morning after, we got into it for real. It was nice. But not explosive. In a crucial moment, I got sleepy and I imagined myself with the object of my obsession. Suddenly, it was better! And then I woke up.
We hung around Camden Market because he had never visited it. He was, really, very handsome, without a doubt one of the most handsome men I will have had sex with. But when we had to get into a conversation or exchange opinions... Oh la la... I was struggling! HE wanted to go back home. Okay. But we had nothing to do or say. As a result, we watched FOUR EPISODES OF QUEER AS FOLK. FOUR! And then we went back into the action and then he simply went home.
Like what, beauty really isn't a determining factor for me.
Yesterday, I went to the Popstarz party. I got in for free because I knew the guy at the entrance, an old "conquest". It was crazy, I was surrounded by teenagers, I was nearly feeling old! On the other hand, I was glad to see all these young guys being open about themselves, having fun and having their space...
A guy chatted up to me and we started talking about René Descartes, quantum physics and buddhism. We kissed all around the club and we decided to go to my place.
And that's when troubles began.
On the way home, the guy, who is my age, told me he still lives with his mum. Okay. He also asked me to pay him some chips because he didn't have any money. Er... okay. Once at home, he met Ada who gave him the bottle of tequila and he drank like, 2 shots! Er... Okay... Then he met my other housemates and kept on getting wasted. 15 minutes after entering my house, he looked fucking scary. This is so wrong! By the way, he told me he had been a heroin addict! (He used to smoke it, he didn't inject himself, thank god). Then I took him to the toilets and he puked. He went back to the kitchen chatting with my housemates while I had to clean his mess. At that moment, Ana (not Ada!) arrived and told me "Don't sleep with that guy!", which I didn't really intend to do anymore anyway!
The guy was feeling better but I couldn't throw him out since he still looked pretty bad to me. He wanted us to sleep together and I explained to him that seeing him puke turned me off. He didn't accept this excuse and we started fighting over why I didn't want to sleep with him. He needed to bother me as much as possible, fucking hell! I made him notice that he had not cleaned his mouth or his hands after puking. My housemates got into the room, they were surprised we were not having sex and they left. A few minutes later, Ada called me to ask me whether I wanted them to throw him out. My housemates are so nice.
This morning, I made as much noise as possible to wake him up and make him go, which took some time. He told me that I had unwillingly made him understand that he was too extreme. No, seriously? Then, he used my phone to call his mother and tell her he was coming. His mother got mad at him, telling him she was dead scared and that she was afraid he was with a junkie. He answered I didn't even drink alcohol (it's because I had my gastric accident, stupid idiot!) and he added in a very dramatic fashion: "I am an adult!".
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!
And then he FINALLY left. And I changed the bedsheets.
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