To get rid of a guy, you sometimes need some comedian skills. Or tragedian skills.
After the Metronomy gig, Romain and I joined his friends in Soho. I was already a bit drunk. Romain offered champagne. That's a nice guy. One of Romain's friends had free entries for Heaven so we all went there. (NB: I love hanging out with Romain!)
One of his friends kept hitting on me, but I wasn't interested so I "dodged" everytime. And then I was so drunk I suddenly (!!!) found him attractive and took him home. But once in my room, the magic got... hangover. Shit.
First, I retreated. I ran underneath the covers while wishing him good night. Of course, he started teasing me under the bedsheets. After 10 minutes, I told him I was too drunk to do anything. But 5 minutes later, he returned to the attack! I was running short of ideas for an efficient defense. So I just played dead until he stopped and I could finally sleep.
The morning after, he resumed the attack. Nearly panicking, I jumped out of the bed to get out of the room. This time, I didn't have an excuse and I had to find a strategy to get rid of him! I thought of my ultimate weapon, the Return of the Ex of Doom, and adapted it for the situation. this time, I was about to use my tragedian skills.
I entered the room, looking upset, and started tidying the mess. He was very surprised and asked "Are you alright?". I spoke with a little voice and looking at the floor, I said: "Yeah yeah, I just thought of... someone." He told me to go back to bed, I answered: "No, I'm fine." He watched me piling up my dirty laundry in the corner and asked me if I wanted him to go, I replied: "Er... up to you."
Then he asked what was wrong. I took a very disturbed tone and said: "Oh, I don't like talking about it..." I thought of what I had just said and nearly burst laughing!! I turned my head, like I was about to cry but really I was holding my laugh!! The guy felt stupid, even apologised if he had "said something wrong" and finally left.
HA HA HA!!!
I'm pure genius!
Ad on some gay dating website:
I'm not into smoking, drinking or poppers and i like to keep fit by playing sport and eating healthy.
Reaction:
Sounds fucking boring.
The Bridget Jones Effect is turning me into something that I am not: a sensitive man.
Image credits: Unknown
The other day, I was watching Friends with my housemates, and there was that stupid scene in which Phoebe dumps her guy because he doesn't want to marry. And it kind of slightly pinched my heart. I was thinking... "Am I being moved by a scene from FRIENDS?" Usually, I'm rarely moved, and only in front of a strong movie (like Brokeback Mountain!!) or the news! Not a FUNNY TV series!
The worst thing is that this symptom occurs in other situations. I fall again in low quality romantism when I lay in my bed and imagine myself with a guy that would warm me up. I imagine some stupid tragic situations in which he's about to die and I stand by him and I'm making promises. And I cry and it's really heartbreaking and nobody can understand and I'm strong and so...
In a nutshell, I "sentimentalise". And it sucks. What's the point of such sensitivity? Apparently, none. Maybe it's just a way of living what I've never lived. And it sucks!
Image credits: Caravaggio
They are all here. They all came for them. The place is magnificent, the bride is stunning. The groom is moved and so are the guests. They make their vows, they kiss and everyone applauds.
I'm looking with a smile and I suddenly notice that he's here. He has entered the room and nobody has noticed. He hasn't been invited though. He overshadows the room with his huge body. He's perfectly dark. Only his eyes can be seen. I'm paralysed, terrified. I know what he has come for. He points his finger at me to order me to accept what he's about to say and annunciates:
It will never happen to you.
And this is how my top dog made a stunning comeback.
- Little voice. The man who will love you, will love you the way you are!
- Me. Yeah, well, he's still not there!
Image credits: Unknown
The only reason is, of course, because I have complexes. If I want to increase my chances, I need to work this out. However, exercising is a lifestyle! A way of thinking, of living and eating. And somethimes, I'm not in a mood for all this.
For example, last Wednesday at the Trans Am concert, I got very drunk. The day after, I couldn't even conceive going to the gym.
And last weekend, I had things to do... And also, the gym closes earlier on weekends (at 8pm). So when one of the things I had scheduled got cancelled, I was destabilised, I was not psychologically ready to exercise so I didn't go in the end.
Lazy ass.
Image credits: Unknown
The most obvious effect in a Bridget Jones cycle is the irrepressible need of finding a man during nights out. So much that you end up ignoring the friends you're spending them with.
Yesterday evening, I was at Ivan's "leaving party" and I was paying more attention to the guys ordering at the bar rather than those around the table. I chatted with a few guys, laughed when I had to and most of all, drank two Sex on the Beach.
At some point, Ivan greeted a guy at the bar that matched my criteria. I sat up and flattened my tummy to welcome the guy at our table but the guy didn't join us in the end. Ivan came back saying: "I slept with him a long time ago, blah blah blah... Oh, and the guy behind him was his boyfriend!"
Why?
Why?!
WHYYYYYYY?!!
Next time in the Bridget Jones Effects series: hysteria!
Urgent update: Merde! The annoying guy who was hitting on me all night long yesterday has just added me to his Facebook! (I hope he's not gonna visit this blog.)
All the signs point to it. It's official: I have entered a new Bridget Jones cycle.
What is a Bridget Jones cycle? Well, when some elements converge, the character of a person can change, their priorities and aspirations as well. We all go through different cycles, some moments when we are more ardent, some when we are wiser, some moments when we are more epicurian, some when we are more rational, and so on.
This year, I have been very adventurous, I mostly sought to have fun and I thought, rightly, that if I met someone good on the way, it xould be a good thing, but it wasn't my ultimate endgame. But first of all, after travelling quite a lot thi year, I'm totally broke et the first budget I'm cutting is the one for nights out. Then, winter is coming! It's cold and it's good to have someone to warm you up! And finally, 90% of the people around me are in a couple. Ada, my workmates, most of my housemates and also most of my blogmates! And let's not forget my exes!!
The pathetic, depressing and Bridget-Jones-like desire of a boyfriend in me rekindled.
This desire is irrational. You can't wish for a boyfriend, or wish for being attracted to someone or wish it's reciprocal. This is something you can't have any control on, so thinking of it is useless. The only thing you can do, is increase the number of people you meet in order to favour probabilities!
There is one thing that Mr Really BIG did right. In the middle of the action, he slapped one of my buttcheeks and said:
You've got the cutest little arse!
Let's just remember the best moments.
I have finally seen Mr Really BIG again last Monday. We went to a very nice italian restaurant close to my place. We talked about a lot of things. He is interesting, clever, I have the feeling we share the same point of view on quite a few things. When it came to the bill, I paid for everything. However, I nearly died when I saw the price: 50 fucking pounds! But anyway, I had spent a very good moment.
Once we got to be alone in my room, we got it on straight away! We didn't stop for two hours, until the window was covered with condensation!! He was heavily sweating so I offered him a very long massage. I had even bought a special oil for that, hey. It was very nice. However, after that, instead of returning the favour, or even just a bit of affection, he turned to the side in order to sleep. But anyway, I could understand he was tired.
The morning after, I woke him up so we can get back to the action. I'm not a morning person though! But this time, it was very nice. Then, after finishing on his side, he lied down next to me. And I had to finish myself on my own. He left early to go to work. When he shut the door, I started feeling down. I had not got what I wanted. I wanted action, but most of all, I wanted affection! I had been very generous with him because it pleased me, but I didn't get anything in return, which proved he didn't appreciate me that much in the end. I don't blame him, I myself have been very selfish with several guys. But anyway, he could have treated me with decency and give me a hand that morning!!!
THAT STORY IS OVER !!!
| Name | Juju |
|---|---|
| Age | 25 |
| Likes | men |
| Lives in | London |
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