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Archives for May 2008

Fast update

Last week has been, let's say, turbulent.

Or rather, TURBULENT.

If I had checked the previsions for my star sign, it would probably have been something like that:

  • Work: you're gonna make a mistake at work on Tuesday.
  • Health: you will go to E&R during the night between Thursday and Friday after a violent internal bleeding.
  • Love: you will face the truth and take a decision to be able to move on on Saturday.

However, I'm not depressed. I'm a little disturbed, but I'm okay. I can even see the positive side of each thing. (There must be something in the water of the hospital!) Like, I received the visit of many people here and I make giant leaps in the development of the new version of my blog.

Some asked for a picture of me with my perfusions! And as I never miss an occasion to play the victim, I offer you a very dramatic picture. Enjoy your meal!

Me at the hospital

Hey, you can even see the bloodstains on the hands!

Cheap self-therapy
Session 5: never been in love

I have never been in love.

Somehow, I am kind of proud of it, like some are proud to be virgins! Yes, it means that love is something special to me. Many of my first times have been disasters, I do not expect to make a disaster of my first "I love you".

I already wondered whether, in the end, I never loved because I'm too selfish. But several elements made me realise that I am capable of having feelings for someone. There is a small number of guys I could have loved (you can count them on one hand). I also wondered if I didn't idealised love too much. But no, it's just that I haven't met anyone with whom it lasted long enough to know each other properly, who "gave me fever" (very bad reference, I know) and who I gave fever too!

It's funny but I have the feeling I have grown a lot about all that. Before, I used to want a relationship at any cost, because I needed to feel worthy of love, because I was jealous of the people around me or because I thought it was the only thing that was worth living (well, that's what they say in american romantic comedies!). Now, when I want a relationship, it means I have met someone interesting.

Loving Sabotage

A few years ago, I read Amélie Nothomb's Loving Sabotage.

I don't remember the story very well but the ending hit me quite a lot. The little Amélie is in love with a classmate whose I have forgotten the name, let's call her Mélusine. The latter doesn't have much interest in her, but when she realises her power on the former, she asks Amélie to do something completely ridiculous: I think she asks her to imitate a horse in the playground. Amélie knows that, by doing that, she is going to humiliate herself in front of all of her classmates. But she wants to please Mélusine so much that she does it.

The thing is that, in reality, the winner is Amélie. Mélusine thought that Amélie was dumb enough to humiliate herself because she expected her affection. No. Amélie already knew that Mélusine didn't give a shit about her. She just desired to please her.

Cheap self-therapy
Session 4: obsessional

My stupid April's Fool contained a bit of truth. Not that I have a relationship with my snot, but I have obsessions.

My mother used to say: "When le Juju has got something in his mind, he hasn't got anywhere else." It's a French expression that means that you can't stop talking about one specific thing. It's true. And this is so in every thing I do. When I listen to a song I like, I do everything to get it as fast as possible. When I eat something that I like, I can't stop eating it. And in the intimate field, I have a similar behaviour as well.

Lately, I have made a lot of efforts. I try holding my desires because I guess I quickly become annoying and because I also need to learn to let go. It may be an evolution, it surely is a real frustration.

Cheap self-therapy
Session 3: failure

One of my biggest fears is the fear of failing.

I remember that my failure at the third test for the driving license had completely depressed me. It wasn't the fact that I couldn't drive a car that disturbed me, it was the confirmation of my mediocrity compared to the others. Everybody's got a driving license, and the ones who don't have it are considered as retards. It also linked to other problems, such as my hatred for sports (oddly enough, I think that my issues with car sizes are linked to my inability of shooting a ball correctly), which is yet another sign of weakness.

When I look back, I think to myself that I still managed to settle down in Paris on my own. That I managed to settle down in London as well. That I paid my master's degree by saving money and making a credit that I have already refunded to the bank.

But in the end, is it really that strong? I am gay, I will probably not have children, I won't leave anything behind me. Will I be remembered? I don't want to be regarded as a failure.

However, is it important? Is it important to be stronger than the others? Isn't it some kind of elitist way of thinking, which states that some people count and some don't?

I think that mankind tends to a better future and the best way to live your life is actually to contribute to this ideal, by making charity, research, politics or philosophy...

Cheap self-therapy
Session 2: the top dog

The booklet stated that many individuals were hurting themselves by replaying in their minds "the tape of messages that are critical, bullying or just plain nasty". They call it "the top dog".

AND I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT!

I have a top dog too but... I personified it! Sometimes, when things don't turn the way I like, I don't only think to myself that I'm dumb. I actually imagine another character coming and telling me all these hurtful things. When I was a kid, my top dog was a member of my family. Now, probably because I'm a grown up now, my top dog... is me! Another me. A better me. He's handsome, he's strong, he's got charisma, he's confident, he's charming, he's classy, he's everything! Each time something goes wrong, he appears and tells me how fucking stupid I am. However, he never does it in a nasty way, he always looks at me in a mocking, condescending but knowing manner. To be honest, I would like to be just like my top dog. After all, it's still me.

But my top dog doesn't only bring me down, he can also understand me and help sometimes. If something is not clear, he can help me thinking and viewing things from another point of view. It's still me, but it's another me.

I thought I was the only one with that kind of trip, but according to this leafltet, it happens to many people :)

Last year, when I was getting more tested for HIV than I actually was meeting guys, my top dog was mutating. He was becoming someone else, some kind of divine entity without a face. He was huge, over-muscled, covered with a golden armour. He would run after me, catch me and then he would strangle me. Lately, my top dog has been very sympathetic, very reassuring as well and he doesn't come often to see me. I guess it's a good sign.

Quote of the day

In The Alchemist, the main character is with the girl he has fallen for. He tries to explain his feelings to her when she stops him:

You love because you love. There is no reason to love.

Well, at least, she's not making things complicated.

Cheap self-therapy
Session 1: Dealing with rejection

I didn't understand why the others hated me so much. I didn't commit any crime or was despicable to anyone, and I had a huge feeling of unfairness. "Faggot", "queer", to me, the playground of the secondary school was the same as the previous ones, but worse. I was inventing stories in which I would avenge myself whereas, in real life, I was trying to ignore the insults, the mockeries and the humiliations. Then, I thought I would live on my own and I didn't even want to have friends or a lover or anything that would imply another human being. I was imagining I would become the supreme master of the universe whose favourite hobby would be to make the people who humiliated him at secondary school suffer.

Once you've grown up, things are different. You learn how to make up your voice and your moves to look more common when necessary, you meet people with whom you can be who you are, and then you accept yourself just the way you are.

Except that the pattern is repeating. In love, things are so much more complicated than in secondary school! When a guy doesn't want me for a night or for a lifetime, I wonder whether I'm still the freak of the school and if I'm worthy of love.

Lately, this has changed. First, I "met" several guys and it did good to my self-esteem. Then, I understood something stupid but not obvious to someone who is kind of trapped in the teenage state on that issue: when a guy rejects me, it doesn't mean I'm not worthy of love, it just means he and I don't fit. And I have people around me who love me: if someone as extraordinary as Ada likes me, it necessarily means I'm worthy of love.

Lack of inspiration?

The Hillary campaign has just launched this poster:

Poster of Hillary Clinton

Image credits: Hillary Clinton For President

Oddly enough, it looks a lot like this poster of Obama that London artist Obey made:

Poster of Barack Obama

Image credits: Obey

Isn't it Hillary who accused Obama of plagiarism?!

However, I still feel like buying it.

Rock bottom

Poster of the 'Celebrity Rehab' show

A new show has arrived on the English cable. I think it's an American show.

Reality TV showing ordinary people in their daily lives quickly bored watchers So they put celebrities in their daily lives in front of the cameras. Watchers got bored as well. Watchers don't care about the daily life of people. Watchers want drama, blowing fuses and tears. So they created "Celebrity Rehab". It is about celebrities who were rich and beautiful who became alcoholics and ugly and who now want to be clean by going to rehab. But of course, rehab is no cup of tea and the teaser promises suffering, decline and humiliation.

"Hitting rock bottom", like the poster says.

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